


The Choices We Make

by reclusiveq



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Supernatural (TV) Fusion, Dark, Demonic Possession, Demons, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Mild Smut, Possession, Psychological Torture, Self-Doubt, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 05:01:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2096706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reclusiveq/pseuds/reclusiveq
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you were faced with a choice to save your friend at the cost of your own soul versus letting them die, what would you choose? Bucky Barnes didn't have to wonder. He knew exactly what he'd choose. After all, ten years ago, he'd been faced with exactly that situation. What he hadn't planned on was everything that came after the deal was struck. Blood. Agony. Death. Rinse and repeat. Every day for a thousand years. That was what he expected... What he got was much worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit darker than most of my current fics. It deals in Bucky having been possessed by a demon for ten years. Most of the fic is hurt/comfort after the fact, but there is a bit that recounts some of the things Bucky was forced to endure while possessed. There's a little bit of humour, but mostly is just hurt/comfort, with a teensy bit of smut.

Bucky had thought when he'd fallen, that was it. The end. No one would really mourn his death. He would die cold and alone. And his only regret had been his scrawny little friend Steve. The little punk would be killed without Bucky to watch his back and Bucky had never even told him how he felt. Fuck.

He'd blacked out before he hit the ground, and came to an eternity later. He thought he was dead at first. Was this what heaven was like? The world was white around him, and he felt calm as he stared up at the night sky. He felt no pain as he lay there, watching the snow gently fall around him. 

It was only the sight of his blood staining the ground crimson that told him he wasn’t dead yet. It couldn’t be long now until his life drained away. He didn’t panic though. The calm that had settled over him almost made it feel as though everything was happening at a distance. He was dying and his brain just hadn't caught up to that fact.

And that was when the demon appeared. Smug and beautiful and hateful, wearing some poor man’s body and black eyes staring down at Bucky. He sat next to Bucky. "Your friend is up there, right now. Hunting a Wendigo by himself," he said with a hint of amusement, and it was almost normal. Almost like actual conversation. It was absurd to Bucky. He might have laughed a bit, but he couldn’t remember how at the moment.

Bucky thought about closing his eyes, but if he was going to die, he wanted to remember this world. He hadn’t really had a lot of time to appreciate it. Next to him, the demon was settling in. Bucky opened his mouth and his voice came out small. "Fuck off."

The demon laughed. "That’s not very nice. I came here to help.”

“Help?” Bucky scoffed. “Don’t need it.”

“He's going to die, you know. You'll be a matching set - two idiots too stupid to know when to quit. He may be brave, but he's weak and distraught over you. He's not thinking straight. Bravery won’t save him, but you could have… if you weren’t bleeding out into the snow."

That was Bucky’s fear. Steve had a terrible habit of not thinking before he acted. And Bucky couldn't watch his back anymore. It was Bucky’s fault. If he hadn’t been so desperate to protect Steve… to show Steve how _much_ he meant to him... Bucky glanced at the demon. "What d'you wan?" His tongue felt heavier than before and the words stumbled out, slurred together.

Now the demon turned back toward Bucky and its lips curled up into a smile that never reached his eyes. Bucky knew what that look meant and he knew right then that whatever the demon offered, if it meant Steve would be saved, Bucky would take it.

~~~  
Steve gripped his bleeding arm, cursing himself. He had wanted to get to Bucky, even though he knew there was no way his friend could have survived the fall, but the wendigo was still on the loose and Steve had to stop it before it killed again. So he had stumbled, a bit blindly, through the woods. When he’d heard Bucky’s voice, he’d run after it, hopeful. It was until Steve had quite literally fallen into the trap that he realised the wendigo had tricked him. His arm still bled from the spikes the creature had set up. It was pissed off and Steve was the only one around that it could direct its anger at.

A part of Steve knew he would really die this time, but at least he would go out fighting. He pulled out a gun and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. Wendigos were perfect hunters. Steve should not have heard it coming, but he did. It wanted him to hear. The sound came from his left, which meant the wendigo was probably coming from the right. Steve pressed his back to the tree. He could practically feel its breath on him.

"Bucky now!" Steve shouted, eyes snapping open as he fired up into the tree above him. The wendigo slammed into him in the same instance, knocking Steve to the ground. He wondered where the hell Bucky was with the fire, then cursed. Bucky wasn’t there to save him. Steve was alone and would die soon. He’d lost his gun as soon as the wendigo hit him, and as the creature brought its fist down on Steve, his last conscious thought was that he’d be with his friends again soon.

He was surprised when he opened his eyes again, staring up at the sky. The smell of charred flesh stung his nose and he sat up, head pounding. He wasn't cold enough to have been out for too long, but the wendigo was dead, nothing more than a burned out husk. Another odor assailed his senses... the smell of sulfur. Steve drew his knife quickly and looked around, wondering what had happened. 

The woods were quiet now; not the deathly silence that usually fell when something was wrong, but just the normal quiet of winter. If there had been a demon here, it was gone now. Steve glanced back at the remains of the wendigo, bewildered. Why the hell had a demon saved him? Steve thought of Bucky, but no. Bucky would never have done something like that, even if he had survived.

Steve didn’t bother with the remains of the wendigo. His only thought now was to find Bucky’s body and give his best friend a proper burial. He started marching in what he hoped was the right direction. But as the day waned and the air grew colder, Steve knew he was hopelessly lost. He kpt walking, knowing he would reach civilization eventually, but he worried about Bucky.

He might have stayed lost too, except he had the good fortune to run into two slightly older men. He pegged them instantly for Hunters, looking at how they were dressed and the gear they were carrying. He’d been warned to be careful with trusting other hunters, but right now, he didn’t care who they were.

“You the one who got the Wendigo?” One of them asked, stroking a neatly kept goatee. Steve wondered about him. He _almost_ looked too clean to be a real Hunter.

It took Steve a second to realise they were asking him a question. “Uh, yeah, I mean sort of,” he answered. Exhaustion was creeping in and he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be upright.

The one with the goatee whistled and put his own gun away. “You’re a bit young to be on your own.”

“I… I wasn’t,” Steve said numbly, wrapping his arms around himself.

The other man, the one with a mess of curls and kind eyes, pulled his coat off and wrapped it around Steve’s shoulders. “Was your partner…” He hesitated, as if unsure how to finish.

“He fell,” Steve said. “I was trying to find him…”

The two men exchanged glances. “We… we found his body. We burned it. I’m sorry.”

Steve was stunned into silence. He’d hoped… Even after everything, he’d still hoped… This was all his fault. Bucky never would have been killed if Steve hadn’t insisted they could do this. His knees shook a bit and all he wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry.

The curly-haired one wrapped a gentle arm around Steve’s shoulders. “I’m Bruce and this is Tony. Come on. We’ve got a truck. You can stay with us for a bit.”


	2. Chapter 2

**_~10 years later~_ **

Steve was grateful for the stupid shield as he crashed into his motorcycle. It protected him from the worst of the damage as both he and the bike went down in a heap. He tucked into a roll as he went down and stopped in a crouch, bright blue eyes focusing on the demon in front of him and wondering how the hell this demon was wearing the face of an old friend, a friend long thought dead.

“Bucky?” The disbelief and shock was plain in his voice and the demon grinned at the confusion.

“Hello again, Steve. I almost didn’t recognize you. You grew up.”

Steve clenched his fist. This was not _his_ Bucky. It couldn’t be. “How the hell did you get that body?” Steve demanded, standing. He made no moves. The demon was too quick.

The demon didn’t answer. It took a step forward, almost casually, sticking its - _Bucky’s_ \- hands into its pockets, as if didn’t care if Steve attacked it. Or maybe the demon knew Steve wouldn’t. “You’ve caused a lot of trouble for Crowley, Steve. He’s got a pretty damn big bounty on your pretty little head. The demon who turns you in… Well, he’d make a pretty good spot for himself in hell.” The demon smiled, and Steve’s breath caught in his throat. He remembered that smile all too well.

Growing up, there hadn’t been much cause for smiles. Both Bucky and Steve were orphans. Bucky’s family had been killed by vampires, and Steve’s mom had been attacked by a shifter. Steve’s dad had been a hunter, but he’d died before Steve was born. They’d both been taken in by a Hunter group who called themselves the Howling Commandos. But despite their hard childhood, Bucky had always had a smile for Steve.

And that was the smile that flashed at him now. Steve licked his lips, watching the way the demon moved. Everything about him just screamed Bucky… except for the jet black eyes and the personality. Steve placed a hand on his knife.

“Oh come now. You won’t really use that on me,” the demon said. Then the demon moved, faster than Steve could track. Rather than use demon power again, the demon knocked Steve over with all of the force of Bucky’s own body, pinning him to the ground with a strength that Steve couldn’t fight.

Steve stared into the black eyes. The demon blinked and suddenly they were Bucky’s eyes again. They locked gazes, then Bucky looked at Steve’s lips with blatant lust. Steve had to mentally kick himself. This was a demon, playing mind games with him, but when those dark blue eyes raked over Steve, all Steve saw was Bucky. 

“Why do you have his body?’ Steve asked again, trying to clear his head. The way the demon was straddling him, gripping his wrists tight enough to leave bruises, there was no way it missed what this was doing to Steve. It didn’t matter that Steve was picturing it as Bucky pinning him down. It was a weapon for the demon to use against him. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

“He made a deal,” the demon said simply, not letting Steve up, eyes still taking in the sight.

“Bucky would never…” Steve growled, struggling as best he could.

The demon laughed, leaning down so close that their lips nearly touched. It was agonizing how much Steve wanted to kiss those damn lips, but it wasn’t Bucky he’d be kissing. “There’s a lot you don’t know about your friend.” Bucky’s breath felt warm on Steve’s face. “Oh, the thoughts he’s had about you… might even make a demon blush. I’m in his head, Steve. I know every dirty little secret he has.”

Steve grit his teeth. “Get out of him. Now.”

“No can do, Steve. Deal’s already been struck.”

“And what was the deal?” Steve asked, his heart warring with his mind. He wanted to deny it. They’d promised… _promised_. One simple rule. Don’t make deals, no matter what.

“A life for a life. Not that his was worth much. It was worth just enough to kill a wendigo.”

And then it all fell into place. The charred remains, the smell of sulfur. “No!” He no longer hesitated. Anger replaced the confusion and Steve fought. He wouldn’t win, but he wouldn’t go out without a fight either. There was still a chance. There had to be; a chance to get Bucky back.

But the demon wasn’t going to give up either and it punched Steve. Steve felt his ears ring with the force of the blow. “Oh no,” the demon was saying. “You don’t get away that easily. Crowley may want you dead, but it doesn’t have to be right awa-”

The word was cut off and the demon suddenly slumped forward. With a groan, Steve rolled the demon over and looked up at the two men who had joined him. Bruce knelt by the demon while Tony offered a hand to Steve.

“What the hell took you so long?” Steve demanded, accepting the offer of assistance. He stood up and rubbed his wrists.

“You think it’s easy to sneak up on a demon? I wasn’t even sure these were going to work.” He gestured to a high tech device around his wrist. Steve couldn’t have begun to explain that gadget to anyone, but apparently it dampened their presence to a demon just enough. Demons had a preternatural sense of their surroundings, so this prototype was supposed to be able to give Hunters an edge in the fight. “You going to do the exorcism here, or…?”

Steve chewed his lip. Every instinct said he should. Bucky was in there. He had to be. The sooner he got the demon out, the sooner Steve would have his friend back. But something, some feeling, made him hesitate. He glanced at Bruce, hovering over the body, then back at Tony. He’d worked with these off and on for the past ten years, but he wasn’t sure how they would feel about knowing Bucky’s deal. That was a sore spot among Hunters, many of whom would have just said it was the person’s fault for making the deal in the first place.

Bruce was the one who ended up making the final decision. “Whoever’s body this is, it’s completely broken inside. Exorcising the demon here means we may lose the host. I can’t tell if the soul is still inside, but if you want to save the person, it’s best we take him back to base to see if it’s possible to save him.”

Of course. Bucky had fallen off a cliff, probably breaking several bones in the process. There would have been internal bleeding as well. Demons could keep their host bodies alive indefinitely, but they couldn’t heal them. The opposite, in fact. Having a demon possessing you meant you might never heal properly, even on your own.

“Let’s do that then. Tony… I’m afraid my bike might be a bit busted.”

With a long-suffering sigh, Tony walked over to the motorcycle, where it was still laying on it’s side. Steve followed him and lifted it back up so Tony could check it over. “Minor damage, nothing dangerous. Kickstand’s busted though. Drive it carefully.”

Steve gave him a ghost of a smile. “Don’t I always?”

“No. In fact, I should start charging you for repairs every time you use it as something other than a means to get from point A to point B.”

“Yes, because being a Hunter pays so well,” Steve said with a chuckle. It was a weak joke, but then again, Steve wasn’t really feeling up to any real humour right now. Tony apparently understood because he dropped the topic. 

“We’ll meet you back at our home away from home.”

~~~  
What Tony was referring to was actually a surprisingly nice RV. From the outside, it looked like any normal RV, but Tony, the mechanical and engineering genius that he was, had outfitted it with anything a Hunter could possibly need. It felt bigger on the inside, housing both a small medical area for Bruce to work in (complete with devil’s trap) and an area for Tony to work on new devices for Hunters.

And this was just the mobile rig. Tony had an actual home where he often did work both for military and for Hunters. Steve didn’t go there often, but he had a room. But they’d needed something good for on the road. Bruce usually drove the RV, while Tony followed behind with a sports car. Every now and then, Tony would leave the car at home, but this hadn’t been one of those times.

Steve pulled up just behind Tony and Bruce, and helped them get Bucky into the RV. Steve carried him and carefully laid him down on the examination table for Bruce. He didn’t want to leave his friend there, but the space was only really big enough for one person, so Steve stepped back outside. Tony followed him.

“This is more than just a case of the black-eyed demon, isn’t it?” Tony guessed shrewdly. “Who is he to you?”

Steve didn’t answer for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. “You said… When you found me, you said you found a body at the bottom of the ravine. You said you burned it.”

“We did.” Tony looked confused, then recognition dawned. “Aw shit. That guy’s your friend? The one you said fell?”

Steve nodded. “The demon said Bucky made a deal. Even though we promised…”

“You were kids.”

“He was seventeen,” Steve countered, feeling angry all over again. He clenched his fist, wanting to punch something. But whether he was angry at Bucky or himself, Steve couldn’t have said. “It was my fault he was even out there. I was the one who was convinced we could take on a wendigo. He followed me to watch my back, and then he fell and even with his last breath he was still looking out for me. Everything he did was to keep me safe. God, I am such an idiot.”

Tony placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. Although Tony had a sharp tongue on most occasions, there were times when he could be almost gentle. It happened very seldom and only for people he was close to. “You’re not an idiot. You were just naive. Every Hunter has one of those moments.”

“How many kill their friends?”

“More than you think. That’s why Bruce and I do what we do. And it looks like we’ve got your friend back, providing Bruce can patch him up.”

Steve glanced at Tony. Tony wasn’t really that much older than Steve, but in some ways, he and Bruce had become Steve’s father figures since the Howling Commandos had split up. “He’s possessed though. God, if I got him back just to lose him again when he’s exorcised…”

“You know we’ll do everything in our power to prevent that.”

They fell into a companionable silence. Bruce came out a few moments later. “The damage is worse than I thought,” he started. Steve felt his heart sink and he looked at his feet, feeling sixteen again. “But there’s still a chance,” Bruce continued. “If we can get him back to my full lab.”

Steve’s head shot up and he looked at Bruce. “Really?”

Bruce smiled and nodded. “Yes. I’m keeping him sedated for now, but with a demon, that won’t hold him for long. He’ll likely wake up before we reach the lab, so one of you is going to have to ride with me to watch him. Not that he can get out of the devil’s trap, but demons can be pretty tricky.”

“I’ll ride with you,” Steve said. “I’ll watch him.”

“You sure you’re ready for that?” Tony asked. “If… _when_ he wakes up, he’s going to attack you.”

Bruce looked back and forth between them, curiosity obvious on his face, but Steve just set his jaw stubbornly. “He can try.” He looked at the bike. “No trailer.”

“Leave it,” Tony said. “Chain it to a tree or something. We can come back for it later.”

Steve looked at it again, then gave a heavy sigh. He really liked the motorcycle, but Bucky was more important right now. He moved stiffly, the adrenaline from the fight starting to wear off. He was going to feel this in the morning. While he was pretty tough, fights with demons always left him sore and aching. Thank god he never went after them alone, or he’d be feeling more than just a little sore.

Locking his motorcycle to a tree, he rescued all of his gear from his saddlebags. Although this area wasn’t very populated, Steve didn’t need to leave weapons that could possibly bring the police… or worse. Even empty, Steve took the precaution of locking everything up before carrying his gear back to the RV. Tony was speaking quietly with Bruce, no doubt telling him what Steve had told Tony. Steve didn’t look at them over long, not wanting to endure looks of pity.

He stowed his stuff into a couple of bins in the RV, keeping only his shield out, then settled into a seat where he could keep an eye on Bucky. His friend was still knocked out, so Steve grabbed a rag and began to polish the shield. It was a bit old fashioned, but it had been a gift from one of the members of the Howling Commandos. It was made of pure silver, painted with an anti-possessions symbol on the inside. Steve had used it for a while to protect himself until he’d been old enough to get a real tattoo. After that, Steve had held onto it as a bit of a security blanket and, in cases like tonight, it had done its share in protecting him from damage that would have killed anyone else.

Steve heard Bruce get into the RV and looked up toward the driver seat. Usually there was a curtain, but it was pushed aside today. “You ready?” Bruce asked. He said nothing about Bucky, and Steve was grateful for it. He didn’t want to answer questions right now.

“Yeah,” Steve answered, setting his shield aside. He looked over at Bucky, only about a foot away from him, strapped down to a table, sedated, and trapped. Steve wanted nothing more than to hold him, but that was dangerous thinking. Demons were good at reading people. If Steve really wanted to help Bucky, he would have to push aside all of his feelings for his friend.

~~~  
He wasn’t sure when he dozed off, but Steve woke up when the RV hit a particularly bad pothole. His eyes immediately shot to Bucky and his breath hitched when he found Bucky staring right back at him.

“S-steve?” The voice that came out was small and afraid and Bucky’s brow was knit together in confusion. Steve nearly got up and went to him. It was only through sheer force of will that he remained where he was. “Steve, what’s going on? W-why do you look older?”

The fear in Bucky’s voice was almost enough to break Steve’s resolve… almost. He deliberately folded his arms across his chest. “Enough,” Steve said, firmly.

Almost immediately, the fear and confusion dropped from Bucky’s face, replaced by a vicious grin. “You’re a tough son of a bitch,” the demon said. “What’s the matter? Didn’t have the balls to send me back to hell?”

“That would be too good for you,” Steve said, working hard to keep his voice steady.

The demon laughed. “You can’t hurt me,” he said. “You already proved that.”

“No, I can’t. But my friends can and will.”

The demon’s voice grew silky and Steve couldn’t turn away from the look he was giving him. “I can see what he saw in you, pretty little soldier boy. Watching you when he thought you couldn’t see. Thinking how good you would look under him, spread wide open.”

“Shut up,” Steve growled. He clenched his fists.

“Even though he knew he could never have you, he still wanted you. And you ignored him constantly. It’s no wonder he fell. You come up with that batshit crazy plan, of course he was going to volunteer for it. ‘Look at me, Steve. Look at me play bait for you.’”

“It wasn’t my fault!”

Bruce glance back. “Don’t listen, Steve. He’s just trying to get to you.”

“Yeah, Steve,” the demon mocked. “Don’t listen to me. Listen to yourself. You know it’s your fault. You never had any doubts about that.”

That was the heart of the matter and Steve couldn’t deny it. Because he didn’t feel guilty. He had felt that guilt since the day Bucky had fallen. It had never left him, he’d just been able to ignore it most days, focusing instead on hunting. But that day was etched into his memory.

“You should just end yourself. Go meet up with your boy on the other side.”

Steve narrowed his eyes. “No.”

“No?” the demon sneered.

“He’s not dead. I won’t believe he is until you’re out of his body and he’s not there.”

“You can’t take me out. If you do, he dies anyway. I’m the only thing holding him together.”

Steve stood slowly and walked over to a drawer. He should have done this to start with. Tired of hearing the demon use Bucky’s voice to say things that Steve was mostly sure Bucky would never say, Steve reached into the drawer and pulled out a roll of duct tape. The demon was still giving him that evil grin as Steve stuck the tape over his mouth.


	3. Chapter 3

Bruce had asked to be left alone with Bucky when they finally got back to the mansion. Steve had tried to help Tony for a while, but Tony finally sent him to the training room to blow off some steam. Attacking the punching bag did little to quiet Steve’s mind. Sleep wasn’t forthcoming either, so instead Steve just paced. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about what the demon had told him. Demons were known to lie, but they were far more likely to tell the truth since often the truth hurt more. And what the demon had said about Bucky, while probably not all true, had to be at least a little true.

Looking back now, Steve could see the little stolen glances. Hell, hadn’t he had a few of his own? He loved Bucky. But neither of them ever admitted to it. They were Hunters. People like them didn’t get the luxury of falling in love. And yet it had happened.

Steve clenched his fist. If he got Bucky back, he would tell him. He’d be honest this time. It was like he was being given a second chance.

He was glad when Bruce finally called for both Steve and Tony over the intercom. Steve sprinted up to Bruce’s office, reaching it seconds before Tony. Tony must’ve been on his way already. He had three hot cups of coffee. Holding the door open, Steve took his, though his hand was shaking a little and he thought he might drop it.

Bruce looked at them both as they came in. There were xrays on a lit-up screen behind him and while Steve didn’t have much medical knowledge beyond basic first aid, he didn’t think they looked very good. “Please sit down,” Bruce said, taking his glasses off and rubbing the bridge of his nose. He looked exhausted.

 _How long has it been since he slept,_ Steve wondered. He felt a pang of guilt for that as well. Tony and Bruce could have just said screw it and exorcised the demon. Instead they were doing everything they could to help a man they didn’t even know, simply because he was important to Steve.

Except that Bucky wasn’t really a man… Steve hadn’t really paid attention to it before, too busy trying to keep from getting killed, but Bucky hadn’t aged at all. He still looked seventeen. Steve had no idea if that was normal. He’d never known anyone to be possessed that long.

“As you can see from the xrays, the damage is pretty extensive. His left lung is collapsed, ribs are broken. Surprisingly, his spine is not, but his left arm is completely gone. We’ll have to remove that first. I’ve worked with rebuilding tissue before, so we might be able to get that lung working again, after we remove the arm, but I can’t guarantee it. If I can, it could take months before we can get the demon out. If I can’t, there’s a small chance of cloning the lung and using that instead, and that could take more than a year.”

Steve took a deep breath. He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. “So what you’re saying is Bucky won’t be free of that demon until then?”

“Well, that’s the other problem. I can’t do this alone. I know some scientists and doctors who could help, but they aren’t aware of, well, demons.”

Steve looked at Tony, then back at Bruce. He could feel his heart sinking. “So there’s no hope?” Steve looked at his hands. It was like watching Bucky fall all over again.

“Not necessarily,” Tony said, and Steve’s head snapped up. Tony shook his head at him. “Don’t get your hopes up. I’ve been working on a prototype that, if it works, should be able to trap a demon in a dormant state inside the body.”

Steve and Bruce both stared at him, speechless for a moment. “Why the hell would you make a prototype for something like that?” Bruce demanded incredulously.

“I got bored one night,” Tony said defensively. “Just haven’t had anything to test it on.”

Steve sighed. Tony did have a habit of inventing things, no matter how useless they might seem. Then again, that might not be so useless. Tony did make things for the military. Could he have been experimenting on ways to help soldiers survive in battle? Most Hunters knew that demons could keep a body alive for a while, though that usually didn’t translate to years. Tony didn’t like making military weapons, but this was less a weapon and more of life support, in a sense.

Either way, it might just save Bucky’s life. “Well, now you do,” Steve said. “ Let’s try it on Bucky.”

~~~  
Bucky was trapped and, for the first time that he could remember, completely surrounded by darkness. Ever since the demon had taken over his body, Bucky had been forced to watch as the demon killed and worse. Ten years, but it felt like an eternity. This was his punishment for breaking his promise to Steve.

When Bucky had made the deal, he’d expected to go to hell. But as it turned out, this demon had a different sort of hell in mind for him. For the first span of time (how long had it been?) Bucky had fought against the demon in his head, every time the demon went in for a kill at the request of Crowley. It was useless, of course, and only encouraged the demon to take more jobs… _worse_ jobs. The killing wasn’t the worst, by any means, and if Bucky had been allowed to, he would have thrown up on more than one occasion.

It was enough to break even the strongest man, and Bucky had never considered himself very strong. Eventually, he stopped fighting. He couldn’t have said how many years that took. Maybe it hadn’t taken that long at all, but it felt like years. A part of him thought that maybe if he stopped fighting, the demon would stop making him watch. It didn’t work.

It turned from just making him watch to making pointed comments in his head about the feel of ending a life, of how this was all Bucky was good for. The demon had insinuated itself into every part of Bucky’s memory, even parts he’d long since buried, and started parading them in front of Bucky. The images of Bucky’s sister being ripped apart by vampires were the worst and left Bucky screaming in his head for weeks. But there were other emotions too, not so deeply buried.

_He never loved you. You wanted him so bad, you couldn’t sleep some nights, but he never even looked your way._

Images would float through his head in a jumbled mess, memories of events that had never actually happened, ut Bucky had wished they had. Scenes of Steve’s wrists bound to a headboard while Bucky fucked him, of Bucky under him watching Steve ride him, of Steve sucking Bucky’s cock, all while the demon taunted him for these fantasies. 

_He never wanted you. He would have left you if he’d known. Maybe I’ll find him and fuck him for you._

NO!!! 

That had brought some of the fight back into Bucky, but it left just as quickly as the demon laughed. The demon couldn’t kill Steve. That had been part of the deal, but doing _that_... Bucky believed the demon would do it, just to fuck with them both.

During the first half of his possession, that was what his life had consisted of. Watching people die at his hands, and listening to the demon talk about what it would do if it ever found Steve.The demon didn’t allow Bucky anything else at first; no taste, no touch, no smell, just watching and listening. So when Bucky _felt_ the demon strangling some guy with his bare hands, it startled him. It was all he could feel. The rough skin, the racing pulse… After years of feeling nothing but emotional pain, the sensation was nearly intoxicating. Bucky tried to pull away, but the demon still had control, and Bucky wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to at that point. He’d been torn between the disgust of being forced to feel a man’s life stolen away and the desire for more contact. 

This was how Bucky had entered the last portion of his possession, desiring that touch, no matter what sort of touch it was. He both hated it and loved it. At some point he became detached from the actions, feeling everything, but in a sense that it was happening to someone else. That feeling also became a bit intoxicating, and Bucky enjoyed it as much as he could enjoy anything these days, unable to shake off the taunting words of the demon.

_You would have made a good demon if I’d sent you to hell. ___

__That was when Steve showed up and everything stopped for Bucky. Not Steve. _Not Steve!_ The demon attacked and Bucky knew it wasn’t going for the kill, it was following through on its threat to rape Steve. Bucky begged _No, let him go. Not him._ He repeated the words until suddenly everything went dark._ _

__~~~  
Bucky was aware time had passed since his last conscious thought, but how much time was a mystery to him. And everything was still dark. It was as though the demon was purposely keeping him shut away, not allowing him to see or feel anything. But why? Why shut him away now, after ten years? If Steve had won the fight, Bucky should have been in hell with the demon. But if the demon had won, why wasn’t it letting Bucky see what it was doing to Steve?_ _

__An eternity passed. Still nothing. Bucky shouted in his head, taunting the demon. Nothing. His taunting turned into shouts of obscenities. Silence. Maybe this was hell. Had the demon finally sent Bucky’s soul to the pit? Bucky had thought there would be more fire, but maybe everyone’s hell was different. This isolation, the absence of sound and sense… Maybe this was his own personal hell. It certainly felt like it._ _

__White hot, searing pain lanced through him then and he screamed. He kept screaming, even long after he should have lost his voice. He could feel again, but all he felt was pain. His chest felt heavy but he had no visual for what was happening. The demon still wasn’t letting him see anything, but whatever was happening, Bucky was feeling everything and it was agony._ _

__This wasn’t hell, but it may as well have been. He couldn’t move. He was being forced to endure a level of pain that would kill most men. No, it wasn’t that he couldn’t move. He was strapped down, pinned. This wasn’t just pain, it was torture. It had to be. He thought he could hear voices, but they were drowned out by screaming and cursing and Bucky wasn’t sure if they were coming from him or the demon._ _

__~~~  
Steve was holding Bucky down, trying to hold back his emotions as his friend screamed in pain. The device attached to Bucky’s right wrist seemed to be working. At least Steve hoped it was. Although his mouth had still been taped, Steve could tell the demon was cursing at them behind it. It only came out as a series of grunts and mumbles, but it was enough._ _

__After the device had clicked into place, a red light started blinking for a few minutes, then turned green. At the same moment, Bucky’s body had slumped. Steve had been the one to remove the tape. Bruce already had a small team of surgeons and bioengineers on their way, arriving in the next hour, and it wouldn’t have looked good if they’d found Bucky tied up like a hostage._ _

__After the surgeons had arrived, they’d gone ahead and dosed Bucky with anesthetics, just in case, but apparently the dose wasn’t strong enough. Bucky had begun to stir as the surgeons started to operate on his arm. And it had quickly turned into a nightmare from there._ _

__The surgeons were good, though. They looked a little shaken, but Steve held Bucky firmly and one of them managed to get another dose into Bucky._ _

__“Good god, that was enough tranq to take down an elephant and he’s still breathing,” one of them said._ _

__“Yes, but he’s out now,” Bruce countered, clearly exhausted. He had made the surgeons sign an affidavit, ensuring they wouldn’t discuss anything here, but most of them knew better anyway. While they may not have known all about demons and werewolves and shifters and wendigos, they knew enough to know there unexplainable things out in the world and not all of it good._ _

__Despite Bucky having gone still in his arms, Steve didn’t want to let go. Bucky hadn’t responded at all to his voice. Bruce placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “Thank you, Steve.”_ _

__Steve looked at him, pale-faced. He had to take a deep breath and force himself to let go. All he wanted to do was hold him and tell Bucky that he’d be okay. Even though he stopped holding him, Steve couldn’t quite let go, his hand still resting lightly on Bucky’s shoulder._ _

__Bruce took his arm firmly but gently, and pulled him away as the surgeons moved back in. Steve kept glancing over his shoulder at his friend. Bruce turned Steve and forced him to look at him. “Hey, look at me. Bucky is in there and that’s good news. It means we can save him. It means we can bring him back.”_ _

__“He didn’t know me. He didn’t recognize my voice at all.”_ _

__“He’s been through hell, Steve. But he will remember you. He’s just in pain right now. A hell of a lot of it. But he’ll get through it. Right now, _you_ need to get some sleep. If you don’t want to go back to your room, you can sleep on one of the other beds here. But sleep. When he starts coming out of it, after we’ve finished, that’s when he’s going to need you the most.”_ _

__Steve glanced back at Bucky again, then looked at Bruce. “I don’t know if I _can_ sleep. You mind if I take something?”_ _

__Bruce gave him a fatherly smile. “Just two.” He walked him over to a cupboard and pulled out a couple valium. “Don’t get used to it.”_ _

__“I won’t.” steve didn’t much care for the way valium made him feel after waking, but Bruce was right. He needed sleep and he wasn’t going to get it without help._ _


	4. Chapter 4

The next time Bucky came back to a sense of feeling, it was not pain that he felt, but an unfamiliar warmth in his right hand. It was nothing like the feeling of killing someone, nor the warmth of fresh blood staining his hands. It was a light touch, almost gentle. It took Bucky a long time before he realised what that touch meant.

Someone was holding his hand.

Bucky wasn’t sure what to do with that information so he pushed it aside for now. His head was eerily quiet, almost empty. Bucky felt hollowed out, like something was missing. There was a distant throbbing, almost like pain, but as if the pain was being held at bay by something.

It took him less time to figure out what was missing than it had taken to place the touch. The demon was missing. There was no mocking voice in his head, no evil presence. After so long of having that creature sharing his mind, Bucky almost missed the black-eyed bastard. Almost.

But if the demon was really gone, then why was Bucky still unable to see anything? That took him longer to figure out than even the other two. The warmth left his hand and Bucky tried to reach for it. His fingers moved slightly but he couldn’t lift his arm. There was something around his wrist. If only he could figure out what. He wanted to be rid of it, so he could have that warmth in his hand again.

That was when the last piece clicked into place. His eyes were closed. It had been so long since Bucky had had control over his own body that it hadn’t even occurred to him to open them. Even with that knowledge, it took a while for him to remember how, to force his body to obey his own command. By the time he remembered, the warmth was back.

Bucky opened his eyes slowly, with effort. They slid closed again, but he forced them to open. He repeated the process of long, slow blinks until he was able to keep his eyes open and take in his surroundings. 

He found himself in some sort of medical room. His first sight was the white linen sheet draped loosely over him from the waist down. He could see the vague shape of his toes angled slightly away from him. He tried wiggling them slightly and felt oddly triumphant when they responded. Beyond his toes was a solid metal door, currently closed. His eyes drifted to the right and he saw a desk without a chair. On top of the desk was a sketchbook, laying open, with a few pencils abandoned next to it. There was also a coffee mug next to it.

Bucky had to turn his head to see any further than that. He didn’t need to turn far, though, as he dropped his eyes at last to his hand. Sure enough, there was another hand in it, curled around Bucky’s squeezing, but not too tightly. There was something metal and gleaming on Bucky’s wrist. He could find out what it was later.

He twisted his head more, trailing his eyes up the other person’s arm, taking in the sight of a well-defined and muscled forearm and bicep, a shoulder that could only be described as broad, past the neck and lips, until finally Bucky’s eyes landed on Steve’s eyes. 

Bucky would recognize those blue eyes anywhere, and he found himself staring, caught up in them. And Steve was staring equally intensely at him. Bucky never wanted to look away. He was so entranced, and he felt the corners of his mouth twitching upwards into a smile. It was an odd feeling.

Almost as soon as the smile began to creep onto his face, the demons words came back to him. Everything the demon had told him, had _taunted_ him with, everything the demon had told Steve about Bucky’s feelings, it all came back like a knife to the chest. Bucky closed his eyes quickly and turned away from Steve.

“Bucky.” Steve’s voice came to him, gentle but firm. “Bucky, please. Look at me.”

But Bucky couldn’t. “No.” The word came out quiet as a whisper. Bucky couldn’t look at Steve. What could he say to his old friend? Steve had grown up and gotten more handsome and had done good in the world, while Bucky had allowed himself to be used for evil. He didn’t deserve any part of Steve’s world.

Bucky wasn’t aware that he had started crying until he felt Steve climb into bed with him. Steve pulled him close against his chest, while Bucky shook with quiet tears. Bucky could feel just how warm Steve was, his heart beating steady in his chest. He hadn’t hesitated at all. Steve should have been disgusted with Bucky. 

The acceptance and forgiveness only deepened Bucky’s shame. He definitely didn’t deserve Steve, but even so, Bucky couldn’t pull away. Instead, he gripped Steve’s shirt at the waist, wanting to feel him, but not wanting to touch him with hands stained with blood. He cried until he had no more tears, but even then, Steve didn’t let him go.

“I’m here, Bucky. You’re safe.” Steve continued, murmuring quiet words of assurance, and eventually Bucky was able to open his eyes again. He didn’t look up right away, staring at his hands gripping the edge of Steve’s shirt. Something else was off there.

“My hand’s metal,” Bucky said, trying to process that. It didn’t feel like he was looking at his own hand. He tried letting go of Steve’s shirt with his left hand and the metal fingers moved. His heartbeat quickened as he stared at it. He wanted to touch it, but he also didn’t want to let go of Steve.

Steve shifted and laid a hand gently on his left shoulder. Bucky’s eyes shot to Steve’s hand. The metal went that far up, but somehow, Bucky could feel it too. “What…” He stopped, having no idea what to even ask.

Apparently he didn’t need to. “When… when you fell, your body was broken. Bruce and Tony, they’ve got you fixed up. Bruce is a doctor. Sort of. He couldn’t save your arm, so Tony made you a new one.”

Bucky’s mouth felt dry. “What else?” He needed to know what else was wrong with him. The weight of metal on his right wrist began to feel heavy now.

There was a hesitation, as if Steve was judging whether Bucky was ready to hear the extent of the damage. “One of your lungs collapsed, and you had several cracked ribs.”

That explained why his chest felt so heavy, almost like it was hard to breathe. But there had to be more. With all of that, even if they’d managed to heal him, he shouldn’t have lived through it. “There’s something else.”

Steve sighed, and took both of Bucky’s hands in his. “You’re not fully healed yet. They’ve done… something to help your bad lung heal. I don’t know what. It’s a bit too sciencey for me. But it will heal. But... there’s a catch. It’s going to take a long time to heal properly. Too long. You wouldn’t survive the length of time it would take to heal. Because of that, we couldn’t exorcise the demon yet.”

Bucky’s heart stopped racing and his head shot up. “What?!” He shoved Steve away and apparently Bucky had more strength than he’d thought because Steve nearly went flying off the bed. His friend caught himself before hitting the floor. “How… why… How the fuck am I in control if that… that… _bastard_ is still in me?”

Steve reached for Bucky again, and Bucky jerked away, pressing himself into a corner. “No,” Bucky yelled, panic settling in. “Don’t fucking come near me! If he gets control…. I don’t want to hurt you, Steve.”

“Bucky,” Steve said, trying to keep Bucky calm. At least he hadn’t come closer again. “He’s not going to get control of you. At least, not before we can act on it.” Steve pointed at the device on Bucky’s right wrist. “Tony created that. It’s trapping the demon inside of you in a dormant state. Do you see that green light?”

Bucky glanced at it and nodded, but didn’t move.

“That green light means it’s working. If it starts to fail, that light will begin to blink. Plenty of time to get you into a devil’s trap or something. It’s only temporary, Bucky. That demon is the only thing keeping you alive, but once your body is healed, believe me, I’ll be the one casting that son of a bitch out.”

Bucky looked at him, then back down at his hands. He started shaking again. “I’m… free?”

“Yeah, you are.”

~~~  
Steve left Bucky alone and went to go get his friend some food and water. Once the door was closed behind him, Steve had to take a moment to catch his own breath. They hadn’t been sure any of it would actually work. Not until Bucky woke up.

And when he had… God, it had been awful and messy, but really there was no way any of that would have gone perfectly. Bucky wouldn’t let Steve touch him again, or even come close, but there would be time for that. It was obvious Bucky blamed himself. Steve wouldn’t excuse Bucky’s actions, but he’d already forgiven him.

Tony was in the kitchen, poking around, when Steve walked in. “How’s Sleeping Beauty?” Tony asked.

“Awake and scared. Also hungry and thirsty. But he’s himself. Or as much of himself as he can be.” Steve went to the fridge as he spoke and opened it, hoping there was something quick. He didn’t feel comfortable leaving Bucky alone too long.

“Good. We’ll monitor him for a few days, but I think if there were going to be any nasty side-effects, we would have seen them already.”

“I hope so,” Steve said. “He freaked out a little about the arm, but not nearly as much as when I told him the demon is still inside him.”

“Christ, you told him that?”

“I’m not going to lie to him, Tony. Better he finds out now than a few weeks down the road when your device starts to fail.”

“If,” Tony said, offended. “I know it’s a prototype, but give me some credit.”

“All right, all right. _If_. Either way, he had questions, and I wasn’t going to keep it from him.” Steve pulled out some meat and cheese, deciding to make sandwiches.

“Fair enough.” Tony poured two glasses of water for Steve. “Here.”

“Thanks, Tony,” Steve said, accepting them. “For everything.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Steve carried everything back to the room. His hands were full and he tried to shuffle everything so he wouldn’t drop with water or sandwiches. The door opened a second before he had everything situated and Steve found himself staring at a mostly naked Bucky.

His brain stopped working for a second. He was pretty sure they’d made sure he was dressed, but Bucky was now standing in nothing more than boxers, staring right back at him as if neither one was quite sure what to say or do. For the first time, Steve was really able to focus on Bucky.

Bucky hadn’t changed at all, except for the scars from the fall and the metal arm that had replaced the left one they couldn’t save. While Bucky had been around Steve shirtless before, even sharing the same shower on occasion, Steve had never dared to really look at him before. He found himself wanting to touch Bucky now, to feel the lines of his well-formed muscles, to memorize every aspect of him. Bucky had always been in shape, but Steve never remembered him being so… _toned_. His eyes trailed a wandering line down Bucky’s chest to his stomach and lower. 

He stopped at the line of Bucky’s boxers, feeling slightly ashamed as he realised what the sight was doing to him and he was holding too many things to hide his growing erection. Bucky didn’t need this. He’d been through enough. Steve forced himself to look back up at Bucky, who had a ghost of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth. He took pity on Steve and stepped back to let him in.

“Oh god, is that turkey?” Bucky asked. He ran a tongue across his lips as Steve set the plates down on the table. 

“Yeah. Geez, how long has it been since you ate?”

Bucky stepped back and looked away. Steve kicked himself. He didn’t want to coddle Bucky, but he didn’t want to brush off what had happened either. “So why’re you naked?” He asked instead, trying not to steal glances. He heard Bucky shuffling around, putting at least his pants back on.

“I was… seeing the extent of the damage,” Bucky mumbled.

Steve looked at his friend. “Bucky…”

“It’s okay, Steve.” Bucky wasn’t looking at Steve as he spoke. “I messed up. This is just punishment. I’ve only got myself to blame.”

“No, you don’t. Bucky, I was the one who convinced you to go with me. You tried to stop me.” Steve stood and placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, trying to turn him. Instead, Bucky pulled away again. 

“Don’t touch me,” Bucky snapped. “I told you, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“And I told you the demon was trapped.” Steve reached for him again.

This time, Bucky’s right hand shot out and grabbed Steve’s wrist. Steve grunted as Bucky shoved him into the wall. Steve’s heart raced, but he didn’t pull away though. Bucky pressed close against him, grabbing Steve’s hip with his metal hand. “You don’t get it, Steve,” Bucky growled through clenched teeth. “That demon isn’t the only evil thing around here. I was aware of every single kill he did while in my body. I felt them die. I’m not the same kid you knew.”

Steve was locked in place, meeting Bucky’s gaze. He didn’t attempt to free himself. “You’re still you,” Steve said, sure that much. He was certain Bucky couldn’t have changed that much, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise. They were pressed so closed Steve could have kissed Bucky if he’d wanted, but he didn’t think for an instant that Bucky would hurt him.


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky stared at Steve. They were so close and Bucky couldn’t make himself let go. Steve was slightly taller than him now, and Bucky could still smell the outdoors on him. Steve had filled out, no longer that scrawny kid who’d gonna running into the woods without a real plan ten years ago. Bucky found himself wanting to rip Steve’s clothes off. He licked his lips.

He shouldn’t want this, not right now. Not after everything. Bucky had been through hell and he should have been wanting therapy or to just curl up in a ball and forget all the death that had been caused by his hands. He should have wanted to sleep, to sink into an oblivion where he didn’t have to think. The last thing Bucky should have wanted was to fuck Steve’s brains out against the wall. 

The fact that Steve hadn’t fought back, or tried to pull away, wasn’t helping matters. Bucky could feel that Steve was aroused as well, but it wasn’t right. If Bucky allowed himself to do this, he might hurt Steve. _Let go,_ he mentally commanded himself, fighting with himself to back off.

His left arm obeyed, a small victory. It took more effort to release the other hand. When he did, he put more space between him and Steve, backing away until he hit the opposite wall. Steve let out a small breath, though whether it was from relief or frustration, Bucky couldn’t have said. Bucky wasn’t a good man, he couldn’t be, not after ten years of playing host to a demon. Steve deserved better than him, no matter how much his friend might want him. 

He had to stop thinking about it. He looked around, trying to find something, _anything_ else to focus on than Steve. His eyes landed on the sandwiches. “Right. Food. Why don’t you tell me some of what you’ve been up to. Who’s Tony and Bruce?”

Steve hesitated and Bucky worried that he might try to push. Bucky wasn’t sure he could resist if Steve pushed him anymore. Then Steve backed off and walked back over to the desk. “They were the ones who found me that night. They took me in, helped me out. Tony’s a genius. He’s been helping Hunters for years making, well, not weapons, but gadgets and things that are more use than a simple rifle or knife.”

Bucky looked at the device on his wrist. “Are they both Hunters?”

“Part time, sort of. I think Bruce lost someone. Tony… I think Tony’s in it for Bruce.”

“Oh. Are they… together?” Bucky asked uncomfortably, sticking to the wall farthest from Steve. He wasn’t sure it was any of his business.

Steve just shrugged. “I think so, but if so, they’re pretty private about it, even with me. Or, well, Bruce is. Tony can be pretty outgoing, but he hasn’t mentioned they’re in a relationship. Then again, with demons and monsters and who knows what else out there, would you?”

“No, probably not.” Not that it would do much good if a demon got into your head, Bucky thought bitterly.

“So what about you?”

“I’m not dating Tony either,” Steve said.

“No, I mean…” Bucky cut off at the smile on Steve’s face. He’d been teasing. Bucky returned the smile, and finally moved away from the wall to sit in the chair next to the bed. Steve handed him a sandwich. “You grew up. Got tougher,” Bucky said.

“A bit, yeah. But I didn’t change that much. I’m still an idiot. After… after the wendigo, I started chasing bigger targets.”

“Demons,” Bucky guessed.

“Yeah. Specifically the crossroads variety.” Steve nibbled on his own sandwich, leaning against the desk as he watched for Bucky’s reaction.

Bucky processed that for a moment, then gave a short laugh. “You’re right. Still an idiot. Saving people from their own mistakes.” Bucky leaned back. “Did it work?”

“Not always,” Steve said regretfully. “But apparently enough to get me on some demon’s bad side.”

“Crowley,” Bucky said, nodding. He knew that much. The demon inside of him had often done that bastard’s dirty work. “The demon who had me… He said Crowley had a hit out on you, but I don’t think that was true. Or at least not completely.”

“The demon tell you that?”

“He told me lots of things. He liked to gloat. And because it was you…” Bucky stopped, his hands dropping to his lap. “He couldn’t have killed you, but he could have called Crowley.”

Steve blinked. “Why couldn’t the demon kill me?”

Bucky glanced up. “It was part of the deal. A life for a life. You think I’d tell him to save your ass in the woods, just to have him show up and kill you later to spite me? No way. The deal wasn’t just to save you that night. He also wasn’t allowed to kill you.” He didn’t mention that the demon had figured out the loophole to that.

“So who is Crowley?”

“He’s the King of Hell, Steve.”

Steve fumbled his sandwich in shock. “The king of hell? I thought that was Lucifer.”

Bucky stared at him for a moment. “How the hell have you been killing crossroads demons and you didn’t even know that? You really are an idiot. Sit down, punk. If you’re going to be fighting demons, you need to know what’s been going on.”

~~~  
Steve listened closely as Bucky explained. Okay, so some of this he had heard before, but he’d never paid much attention to it. Bucky had at some point gotten out of his chair and started pacing absently as he explained what he knew. At least the impromptu lesson had the added benefit of distracting Bucky from his own concerns.

It still surprised Steve how much Bucky knew about what was going on in the demon world. “Geez, that demon didn’t hold anything back, did it?”

That earned Steve another wry grin. “Like I said, he liked to gloat.” There was a haunted look in Bucky’s eyes, something behind the smile, that told Steve there was more to it than that, but he didn’t push, just like he hadn’t pushed when Bucky had held him close. To Steve, it was a miracle that Bucky hadn’t pulled completely away and shut him out.

“Well, that was informative,” Steve said. “I’ve heard of the Winchesters, but considering all the stuff that happens around them, I think I’m glad I haven’t met them.”

“That’s probably best. You’re not that well-liked yourself. If the three of you got within the same zipcode, I’m pretty sure the forces of heaven and hell would line up to destroy it.”

Steve laughed. “Well, let’s avoid that then. Anything you’d like to do?”

Bucky looked surprised at the question. “Aren’t I under observation or something?”

“Well, in a sense. But you aren’t a prisoner here, Bucky. That door isn’t going to get locked on you. You were a prisoner long enough. The only observation you’re under is Tony remotely monitoring that bracelet of yours and your arm. He built both and wants to make sure they don’t malfunction.”

Bucky bit his lip, looking for the world like he wanted to argue the sensibility of that, then let it go. “Maybe you could just show me around?”

With a smile, Steve nodded. “Okay. I’ll introduce you to Tony and Bruce as well. Trust me, I think you’ll like them. Although, fair warning, Tony will probably want to poke at your arm now that you’re properly awake.”

“That’s not a bad idea though,” Bucky said. His voice was tight and Steve noticed that Bucky was pointedly _not_ looking at the arm, clearly still having trouble dealing with it. 

Steve noticed that Bucky walked slowly and stiffly as well, and wondered if that was because Bucky was relearning how to use his own body. His guess was confirmed as Bucky slowly eased out of his stiff gait to a more normal stride.

He led them to Tony’s lab first. Bucky was right, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to test his arm and make sure it was working the way it should. Steve didn’t know much about it himself, but it couldn’t hurt to learn what he could, especially if they started hunting again. Hell, even if they found somewhere to settle down, Steve would still want to know how to manage that arm.

Loud music assailed their ears when Steve opened the door to Tony’s loud. Steve winced. Tony had an odd taste in music that tended to run to punk and hardcore. To Steve, it was just loud and obnoxious. Tony’s back was to them as he bent over his work table, soldering some new project together. Steve walked over to the radio and turned it off, causing Tony to jump a bit and spin around. He pulled his safety goggles off to glare at Steve.

“Didn’t anyone teach you to knock?” Tony accused.

Steve shrugged, smiling at Tony. “That particular lesson must not have been in the Hunter’s handbook. Plus, how would you have heard us with that racket playing?”

“Touche, and it’s not racket. It’s music.”

“That’s not music. It’s noise.” It was an old argument, but they both knew it was in good fun. Steve stepped aside, so Tony could see Bucky behind him. “We thought you might want to look at his arm now that he’s awake.”

“Yes!” Tony said, hopping up. Three quick strides took him right to Bucky’s side. “We can properly calibrate it now.”

Steve had to bite his lip to keep from laughing as Tony grabbed Bucky’s arm and pulled him over to a seat next to one of his computers. Bucky didn’t seem to have any of the tense apprehension from before, when it had just been Steve and him. Now he just looked bewildered, as if he wasn’t quite sure what to make of Tony. Steve knew the expression well. He’d had it himself the first time he’d seen Tony at work.

His amusement, however, didn’t keep Steve from hovering somewhat protectively. He followed Bucky and Tony over, then watched closely as Tony scanned the arm, then had Bucky do a few exercises to be sure the arm responded properly. He also asked a few questions about what Tony was doing. Most of it went over his head.

“Are you having any timing issues?” Tony asked. “Any delays between trying to move your fingers and the fingers actually moving?”

“No,” Bucky answered. Bucky only really looked at the arm when Tony asked him to, but Steve wasn’t really sure he would have reacted any differently himself.

Tony finally finished up, making a few minor adjustments. When he sat back, Tony launched into an explanation on how to ensure the arm continued to work properly. “It’s strong, and it can take a lot of damage, but that doesn’t mean it’s indestructible. Don’t try to bench press a car or anything. You’ll need to keep in shape. It’s as light-weight as I could make it, but it’s still metal. It may feel a bit heavy right now, but you’ll get used to it. If you notice it’s starting to respond slower, make sure you come see me right away.”

Bucky just nodded, then practically leapt out of the chair when Tony let him. “Thank you,” he said.

Tony nodded, already reaching for his safety glasses again. “You break it, you buy it,” he said. “Now get out of here. And turn my music back on on your way out.”

Chuckling, Steve looked at Bucky. “How about that tour now?”


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky lay on his bed later, staring at the ceiling. Steve had shown him everywhere around the house. Well, Steve called it a house. It was more of a mansion; the tour had easily taken them a couple hours and Bucky was certain they had actually gotten lost more than once, though Steve had played it off.

After the tour, Bucky was feeling worn out. There had just been so much to take in and he just hadn’t had the time to really process anything. It had been surprisingly easy to feign the ease that he had adopted in front of Tony, but the truth was, he’d been on edge the entire time. So once Steve had finished showing him around, Bucky had told him he was tired and needed to sleep. Steve had, of course, offered to stay, but Bucky had told him it wasn’t necessary and chased him out.

But now he was lying wide awake, staring up at the ceiling, and trying to figure everything out. He was safe, but he didn’t really feel safe. No, it wasn’t that. It was more that he felt like he was a danger to everyone else, and it wasn’t only because of the demon still trapped inside him.

Bucky had killed. Maybe the demon had been in charge, but Bucky had felt it and worse, towards the end, had even started to enjoy it a little. He hated himself for that. He’d tried to deny it, but when Steve had pushed him… when Bucky had held Steve, it hadn’t been the demon who wanted to fuck Steve. That had all been Bucky.

And Bucky probably would have done it too, right then, without protection or anything. He would have fucked Steve and probably would have hurt him… and might have even enjoyed that. That thought just made Bucky feel guilty. It didn’t matter if Steve wanted Bucky as much as Bucky wanted him. It was how Bucky had wanted it. Just thinking about how much he’d wanted it was enough to make Bucky get hard again and before he was even consciously aware of what he was doing, he freed his cock and begun to stroke.

His right hand was rough and it hurt, but it also felt good to him. He bit his lip as he came over his hand. It wasn’t until a drop wet his cheek that Bucky realised he was crying. Fuck, he was messed up. Was he even human anymore? He raised his hands in front of his face, the right sticky with cum and the left gleaming in the soft desk light. He should just leave. There was absolutely no good that would come from his being here.

He curled into a ball on the bed and buried his head into his pillow. With nothing to distract himself now, Bucky couldn’t stop the onslaught of thoughts in his head. The worst part was, even with those thoughts, his head still felt achingly empty. Closing his eyes, he tried and failed to push the thoughts away. He kept hoping sleep would come, but it didn’t. 

After an eternity of crying quietly, Bucky got up and went in search of something, _anything_ , that would help him. The house was eerily quiet as Bucky attempted to locate wherever Bruce’s lab had been. He seemed to have had a lot of medicines when Steve had showed him the room. There had to be sleeping pills in there as well.

Finding Bruce’s lab wasn’t easy, but eventually Bucky managed it. The room was dark, but as Bucky stepped in, the lights came up. He swallowed, hoping he wouldn’t get in trouble for this, and started going through the cupboards, looking for something that might be sleeping pills. Unfortunately for Bucky, everything was labeled with their drug name and he had no clue what any of them were actually for. 

His hands began to shake as he stared at the bottles. The door to the lab opened, and Bucky turned quickly, to find Steve standing in the door. “This…” Bucky started to say it wasn’t what it looked like, but wasn’t that a lie?

Steve walked over and opened a cupboard. “Trouble sleeping, right?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said quietly. Steve turned and handed him a bottle.

“This one should work for tonight. Bruce would say you shouldn’t get used to them though.”

“Sure.” Bucky could feel Steve’s eyes on him. He risked a glance up. Steve was giving him an odd look. It took a minute for Bucky to place it as sympathy. “Sorry if I woke you.” 

“You didn’t. I don’t sleep much myself. I went to check on you and you weren’t in your room, so I kind of guessed you’d be in here. Come on, I’ll walk you back.”

“I don’t need a keeper,” Bucky said irritably. The thought of Steve seeing him at his worst scared Bucky.

“I’m not acting as a keeper. Just thought you’d like to not get lost on the way back.”

Bucky chewed his lip, then nodded. At least if he took the pills, he wouldn’t do anything stupid with Steve. Bucky took two before they even left the lab, hoping they would kick in by the time they reached his room. He wasn’t disappointed. In fact, they kicked in so quickly that Steve half carried him the last few feet to the room. He managed to get Bucky into bed and Bucky hoped he would leave, but he didn’t. Instead, Steve crawled in next to him, holding Bucky close. Bucky thought he should protest, but found he just didn’t have the strength. As soon as his head touched the pillow, Bucky was out.

~~~  
Bucky woke late the following morning, still feeling a bit groggy from the sleeping pills. Warm breath ghosted on his neck, and Bucky turned slowly to look at Steve, still sleeping, his arm draped over Bucky’s waist. Steve had stayed with him all night. As Bucky shifted, Steve opened his eyes and smiled at him. 

“How did you sleep?”

Bucky took a moment to process the question. He was a bit distracted by Steve in nothing but boxers. The sheet had somehow been kicked to the floor. “I, uh, slept,” he answered stupidly. Then it clicked in his head. He _had_ slept, and hadn’t had any nightmares that he could remember. “Damn.”

“What?” Steve asked, propping himself up on his elbows and giving Bucky a worried look.

“You said I couldn’t get addicted to those sleeping pills, but I think they really helped. I’d expected nightmares at least.”

Steve smiled and rolled over so he was half on top of Bucky. Bucky’s heartbeat picked up as he stared up at him. “Bucky,” Steve started. He paused and Bucky’s breath caught in his throat. Bucky’s hand twitched and he lifted it slightly, brushing against Steve’s side. Bucky should push him away, make him get off, but he couldn’t. As if realising this wasn’t the best position for either of them, Steve sat up. 

“Bucky,” Steve said again. “I don’t think we should avoid talking about it.”

Bucky swallowed and now he did sit up, shifting away slightly, ready to bolt. “About what? The sleeping medicine?” He asked, trying to make light of it.

Steve sighed. “There’s no easy way to do this, is there? We like each other, Bucky. I know you’re scared of what you might do, but I don’t care. We both felt it yesterday. I know we did. And I thought I would be content to just ignore it, but that isn’t going to do either of us any good.” 

Bucky’s eyes flitted to the door. He wondered if Steve would kiss him. A part of him wanted that, but another part told him it was a stupid risk. Steve took his silence in stride and backed off a bit more, getting off the bed, before continuing. “I’m willing to take it slow, as slow as you need. But I didn’t want any more time to pass without you knowing how much I want and need you.”

Bucky bit his lip. He should stop this all right now. Just put his foot down, tell Steve to leave, and to not bring it up again. He should tell Steve he deserved someone better than Bucky, someone who could make him happy and not chance hurting him. Bucky had too many issues, none of which had been dealt with. He’d spent ten years as a veritable slave in his own body. Yet none of that came out. In fact, Bucky didn’t say anything at all. Instead, he leapt out of bed and grabbed Steve roughly, pulling him in for a kiss.

In that moment, only one thing was clear to Bucky. He’d spent ten years not being allowed a choice in anything. Now he was being offered a choice and there was no way he could stop himself this time. 

Steve had stiffened at first, but now he was grabbing Bucky’s hips, pressing their bodies together. Bucky could feel Steve’s erection against his own. Without breaking the kiss, Bucky moved Steve toward the bed. They hit the edge and fell onto it, Bucky on top. Bucky pulled his knees up to straddle Steve. “Shirt,” he breathed, breaking the kiss to let him pull Bucky’s shirt off. Steve pulled himself further onto the bed, sitting up just enough to get rid of the shirt.

“Stay,” Bucky growled, then backed off the bed. He tugged at Steve’s boxers - Steve lifting his hips a bit to help - then pulled his own off as well, dropping both into a pile on the floor. He climbed back on top of Steve and pinned his wrists to the bed, rutting against him. Steve’s moans made his cock throb with need and he leaned down and kissed him again, pressing his tongue into Steve’s mouth. He broke the kiss slower this time, gently biting Steve’s lip as he sat up. “I can’t stop, Steve. Tell me you want this.” It was almost a plea, something to ease Bucky’s guilt.

Steve smiled up at him with lust-filled eyes. “I want you, Bucky.” He rocked his hips lightly and Bucky could feel Steve’s cock pressing against his thigh.

“We don’t have condoms or lube,” Bucky warned.

Unable to point, Steve gestured with his head toward the door. Bucky looked over and blinked. “What the hell, Steve?” He stopped moving, but didn’t let Steve up.

“Well, I, er, thought it’d be better to have than not have, given yesterday.” Steve’s voice came out husky and when Bucky looked back down at him, his face was flushed. Bucky smiled. 

“So thoughtful. Don’t move.” Despite his own eagerness, Bucky forced himself to head over to the desk. He pulled out a couple of condoms and grabbed the bottle, then hurried back to the bed. He spared a moment’s thought of giving Steve the choice of whether he wanted to fuck or be fucked, but with Steve sprawled out naked on the bed, Bucky knew he would be the one fucking Steve. There was no way he could let it happen any other way. He stood at the side of the bed, looking down at his friend. 

Reaching out, Bucky grabbed Steve’s cock, running his thumb from the base to the tip. Steve gasped and his cock twitched in Bucky’s hand. Bucky licked his lips. “I’m going to fuck you so hard, Steve,” he growled.

‘Good,” Steve shot back, pulling his legs up and spreading them to give Bucky easier access.

Bucky had no more feelings of guilt towards this as he climbed back onto the bed and tore open a package. Whatever else happened, they had decided this together.

~~~  
Steve had his arms wrapped tightly around Bucky when they were done. He hadn’t completely planned on this last night when he had come to find Bucky, but he was glad it had happened. He hoped Bucky would feel less jumpy around him now, and that they could work on his real issues together. But that wasn’t why he had offered himself so completely to Bucky. He hadn’t lied when he’d said how much he wanted this.

Bucky shifted in his arms and Steve smiled at him. “Feeling better?”

“Well, feeling slightly less horny. Although you keep looking at me like that and I don’t know how long that will last.” There was still a haunted look in Bucky’s eyes, but he hadn’t pushed Steve away and he hadn’t run.

Steve chuckled. “Point taken. Well, come on. We’ve had our morning work out. We should probably eat at some point today.”

Bucky pulled away to stand up. He looked at his boxers and t-shirt with a grimace. “I’m going to need more clothes.” 

“I’ve got some you can borrow. Do you want to wait here, or come with me?”

“I’ll come.” Bucky pulled on his clothes. Steve knew Bucky’s legs would ache later. Hell, Steve already had bruises forming around his wrists and a few other parts. They’d gone at it just as hard as Bucky had promised, and had actually gone a few rounds, only pausing in between to take a breather and recharge. It was late afternoon now. 

They didn’t hold hands as they walked, but that was okay. They didn’t need to show public affection or anything. In fact, anywhere else that could probably get them in trouble. “So what do you want to do now, Buck?” Steve asked. 

“You mean aside from get dressed and eat?”

“Yes,” Steve said with a laugh. “Aside from that. I mean, do you want to go somewhere and settle down? Do you want to keep hunting?”

Bucky was quiet for so long that Steve glanced over at him. It was clear Bucky hadn’t really put any thought into it. He’d wrapped his arms around himself tightly, thinking. Steve reached to hug him, but Bucky absently side-stepped the gesture. He didn’t answer until they’d reached Steve’s bedroom. “If I said I wanted to settle down, would you stop hunting and settle down with me?” He asked quietly.

Steve went to the closet and started pulling out clothes. “I don’t know that I would ever fully stop hunting,” he admitted. “Though I probably wouldn’t go looking for trouble. But you know I could never say no to someone who asked me for help.” He carried the clothes over to Bucky, who was leaning against the wall just inside the door. “Here, try these on.”

Bucky took the clothes and looked through the shirts. “What’s this? Are these all band shirts?”

“Yeah, Tony bought me a bunch, probably hoping I’d get into his kind of music. I don’t wear these at all, so if they fit, you can have them.”

“Okay.” He pulled off his shirt and started trying them on. “And I don’t believe you, for the record.”

“What?”

“That you wouldn’t go looking for trouble. It’s who you are. Steve Rogers, troublemaker.” Bucky smiled. “And I’m not sure I’d want you any other way.”

Steve returned the smile. “So what’re you saying?”

“I’m saying, punk, that I’ll keep hunting. With you.” Bucky’s gaze turned inward and he touched the bracelet. Steve didn’t think Bucky was aware of the action. “I don’t know what’s going to happen with this demon in me. It’s probably not safe. I know you have all this confidence in me and in this device keeping the demon dormant, but nothing is perfect and I’m not even sure what type of man I am anymore. But someone needs to watch your scrawny ass and if you want that someone to be me, then I’d be glad to do it.”

Steve stepped over to Bucky and pulled him into a hug. Bucky didn’t pull away this time. “I already know what kind of man you are. You’re a good man, whether you believe it or not. There’s a lot you have to deal with, I’m not denying that. But I’m not going to abandon you.”

Bucky looked at Steve for a moment. He thought of making Steve promise that if the demon ever got control again, that Steve would kill him or exorcise him, no matter what the consequences to Bucky. But looking at the certainty on Steve’s face, Bucky knew it was pointless. “I hope I don’t let you down.”

“You won’t,” Steve said firmly. “Now finish trying on these shirts.”


End file.
